Posts tagged Understanding

Understanding each other

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Did you ever experienced that you said something and the other person thought she/he understood what you were saying – I mean REALLY understood what you meant?

I think communication and really understanding what the other person is saying, is not that easy. It can be the communication in a relationship, with a friend, with parents, with kids, with colleagues. It’s always good to ask the other person: Is it this what you meant? Did I understand you right? What do you mean by this…?

I read a good quote what is worth thinking of:

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”

-Robert McCloskey-

???How do you communicate? Do people understand what you say? What do you do to make sure that you understood the other person???

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Handling differences and disagreements

A long time ago I heard from a book: Men are from Mars, women are from Venus (John Gray).

I never read this book, even if it was very popular at this time. But the last 6 years I lived in a house with 3 other people and one of them had this book, so I started to read it and was very surprised . It describes men and women in general – and in many described examples I could find myself.

I haven’t finished reading the book yet, but once in a while I read a few pages.

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A few weeks ago I read a bit further where I left off the other day. It was chapter 9: How to avoid arguments.

I don’t know if you ever have arguments in your relationship? If not, you don’t need to read it, if yes it could help you =) – to understand yourself better and also your partner. Reading it can also help your general understanding about men and women.

A challenge in relationships is handling differences and disagreements. Often the couple stops talking in a loving manner and begin:

  • hurting
  • blaming
  • complaining
  • accusing
  • demanding
  • resenting
  • doubting

each other.

Communication is very important in a relationship and „arguments can be the most destructive element.“ The „closer we are to someone, the easier it is to bruise or to be bruised.“

John Gray recommends: never argue! „Instead discuss the pros and cons of something. It is possible to be honest, open and even express negative feelings without arguing or fighting.“

What happens when we argue? When we don’t understand that men and women are different it is easy to get into „arguments that hurt not only our partner but also ourselves.“

 „The secret to avoiding arguments is loving and respectful communication. The differences and disagreements don’t hurt as much as the ways in which we communicate them. Ideally an argument does not have to be hurtful; instead it can simply be an engaging conversation that expresses our differences and disagreements (…). But practically speaking most couples start out arguing about one thing and, within five minutes, are arguing about the way they are arguing.

Unknowingly they begin hurting each other, what could have been an innocent argument, easily resolved with mutual understanding and an acceptance of differences, escalates into a battle. They refuse to accept or understand the content of their partner’s point of view because of the way they are being approached.

Resolving an argument requires extending or stretching our point of view to include and integrate another point of view. To make this stretch we need to feel appreciated and respected. If our partner’s attitude is unloving, our self-esteem can actually be wounded by taking on their point of view.”

??? What is your experience with this topic???

(Kindle e-book: Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, John Gray, Loc 2644-2673)

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What is emotional intelligence?

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Like I wrote already in my last posts I am very interested in the topic: “Emotional intelligence”  and read once in a while some quotes about it. I still have to finish reading my e-book about this. I love reading about personality. Because you get to know yourself better and also other people.

I experiences that many people don’t know themselves very good. Maybe they avoid the “personality” topic cause they are afraid of something. Since I started studying to be a teacher I loved the lecture in psychology. And after 3,5 years studying I thought of studying: councelling/coaching.

But at this time I started my 1,5 years training at school and during this time there is NO way to study anything else, cause everybody is glad when surving this tough training – working the day at school, then study in the afternoon at the seminar and in the evening and night preparing for school in the morning. And this goes on and on for 1,5 years. After this nothing can shock you anymore in any job =)

Well, anyways years and years after my studies I finally did a course in coaching and I love to coach people and bringing out the best in them. And there are soooo many interesting books about it.

Maybe you have read a book about emotional intelligence and could recommend it here?

Today I just read this quote and thought: how true!

“Emotional Intelligence is a way of recognizing, understanding, and choosing how we think, feel, and act. It shapes our interactions with others and our understanding of ourselves. It defines how and what we learn; it allows us to set priorities; it determines the majority of our daily actions. Research suggests it is responsible for as much as 80% of the “success” in our lives.” -Freedman et al.-

–From Handle With Care: Emotional Intelligence Activity Book

After my studies and training I worked in a school and while working there I attended a 1 week seminar called: Finding your calling. I wanted to know so badly: what did God design me for? I really wanted to live out his calling.

There I did personality tests and I thought intensive about my family background, the strenghts and weaknesses of myself and in which surrounding I can work best.

Since then I was constantly thinking about myself and why I sometimes react the way I do or why I feel uncomfortable in certain situations or with certain people. I tried to be more alert of my weaknesses and tried to work on my strengths.

I was lucky to have a sister who was interested in the same topic and we spoke many many hours about this. It was also interesting to discover what jobs my grandparents had and which strengths they had. You can see clearly what goes on the the family – how we are!

When I look at this quote I think of people who didn’t have that much “success” in life. And I realize that emotional intelligence plays a bit role in it!

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