Archive for Relationship

Understanding each other

life coaching, colouryourdream, life, purpose, marriage

Lately I read a little book about marriage. I saw so many different couples in my life and thought a lot about this topic. It is so sad, that so many marriages fail and the question is why?

I thank God that I grew up in a very stable family environment, with loving parents and sisters. In my surrounding I never really experienced marriage breakups, this was quite foreign for me. Nowadays it is so sad to see so many couples break up.

So I thought I write in the next posts about a book from a Swiss physician (Paul Tournier), who made a significant contribution to understanding of psychiatry and its relation to the Christian faith.

On the spine of his book: „To understand each other. Classic wisdom on marriage“, Paul Tournier  you can read the following:

He writes that the „major problem is „to understand each other.“ He says: „When we talk of marriage counseling we think immideately of the extreme cases, of threats to seek divorce, of couples in violent disputes who frequently come to blows.“ But there are many other couples whose marriages are no less a failure. „They live side by side, without hurting one another, but poles apart, because of no real understanding of one another.“ Courship’s complete frankness has given way to superficial exchanges of information. The husband and wife fail to realize that they are hiding part of their real feelings from each other.

Paul Tournier says, that he sees many couple and „behind their difficulties I always discover a lack of mutual openness, a loyal and total openness to one another without which there can be no real understanding.“ And the ability to understand each other is what counts in working out marital happiness together. In his book: „To understand each other – classic wisdom on marriage“ he suggests ways to achieve this understanding.“

My next post will contain excerpts of his book. 

??? What did you experience with this topic so far???

Advertisements

Comments (6) »

Understanding each other

life coaching, colouryourdream, pupose, goal, dream

Did you ever experienced that you said something and the other person thought she/he understood what you were saying – I mean REALLY understood what you meant?

I think communication and really understanding what the other person is saying, is not that easy. It can be the communication in a relationship, with a friend, with parents, with kids, with colleagues. It’s always good to ask the other person: Is it this what you meant? Did I understand you right? What do you mean by this…?

I read a good quote what is worth thinking of:

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”

-Robert McCloskey-

???How do you communicate? Do people understand what you say? What do you do to make sure that you understood the other person???

Comments (10) »

Why arguments hurt

Here comes the continuation of my post: Handling differences and dissagreements. It is about why and how an argument hurts. I found it quite interesting to read it, because I thought already a long time ago before I read this: it is often not the content (what is said) why we get hurt, but because of the HOW it is said.

John Gray says that it is not „what we say that hurts but how we say it.“ When a man „feels challenged, his attention becomes focused on being right and he forgets to be loving as well. Automatically his ability to communicate in a caring, respectful, and reassuring tone decreases. He is aware neither of how uncaring he sounds nor of how hurtful this is to his partner.“

life coaching, purpose, life, relationship,colouryourdream

Further he says that „naturally a woman feels resistant to this unloving approach, even when she would be otherwise receptive to the content of what he was saying. A man unknowingly hurts his partner by speaking in an uncaring manner and then goes on to explain why she should not be upset. He mistakenly assumes she is restisting the content of his point of view, when really his unloving delivery is what upsets her. Because he does not understand her reaction, he focuses more on explaining the merit of what he is saying instead of correcting the way he is saying it.

He has no idea that he is starting an argument; he thinks she is arguing with him. He defends his point of view while she defends herself from his sharpened expression, which are hurtful to her.“

??? Do you want to share any of your thoughts??? When you argue with someone, why or when do you get hurt???

Kindle e-book: Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, John Gray, Loc 2644-2673)

 

 

Comments (7) »

Handling differences and disagreements

A long time ago I heard from a book: Men are from Mars, women are from Venus (John Gray).

I never read this book, even if it was very popular at this time. But the last 6 years I lived in a house with 3 other people and one of them had this book, so I started to read it and was very surprised . It describes men and women in general – and in many described examples I could find myself.

I haven’t finished reading the book yet, but once in a while I read a few pages.

life coaching colouryourdream purpose goal dream relationship communication

A few weeks ago I read a bit further where I left off the other day. It was chapter 9: How to avoid arguments.

I don’t know if you ever have arguments in your relationship? If not, you don’t need to read it, if yes it could help you =) – to understand yourself better and also your partner. Reading it can also help your general understanding about men and women.

A challenge in relationships is handling differences and disagreements. Often the couple stops talking in a loving manner and begin:

  • hurting
  • blaming
  • complaining
  • accusing
  • demanding
  • resenting
  • doubting

each other.

Communication is very important in a relationship and „arguments can be the most destructive element.“ The „closer we are to someone, the easier it is to bruise or to be bruised.“

John Gray recommends: never argue! „Instead discuss the pros and cons of something. It is possible to be honest, open and even express negative feelings without arguing or fighting.“

What happens when we argue? When we don’t understand that men and women are different it is easy to get into „arguments that hurt not only our partner but also ourselves.“

 „The secret to avoiding arguments is loving and respectful communication. The differences and disagreements don’t hurt as much as the ways in which we communicate them. Ideally an argument does not have to be hurtful; instead it can simply be an engaging conversation that expresses our differences and disagreements (…). But practically speaking most couples start out arguing about one thing and, within five minutes, are arguing about the way they are arguing.

Unknowingly they begin hurting each other, what could have been an innocent argument, easily resolved with mutual understanding and an acceptance of differences, escalates into a battle. They refuse to accept or understand the content of their partner’s point of view because of the way they are being approached.

Resolving an argument requires extending or stretching our point of view to include and integrate another point of view. To make this stretch we need to feel appreciated and respected. If our partner’s attitude is unloving, our self-esteem can actually be wounded by taking on their point of view.”

??? What is your experience with this topic???

(Kindle e-book: Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, John Gray, Loc 2644-2673)

Comments (5) »

How to improve understanding between individuals?

In my teacher studies I came across the „Johari Window“ and just a few weeks ago again. I had already forgotten about it and it was very good to read up on it again.

I find it very helpful.

The Johari window is a technique created by Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham in in the United States. It is used to help people better understand their relationship with self and others.

The two key ideas behind this tool is that you can build trust with others by disclosing information about yourself and with the help of feedback from others you can learn about yourself and come to terms with personal issues.

life coaching colouryourdream purpose dream goal

There are 4 areas:

  • Open Area
  • Blind Area
  • Hidden Area
  • Unknown Area

The open areais things you know about yourself, e.g. behaviour, knowledge, skills, attitudes.

The blind areais things you are not aware of, but that are known by others. This can be simple information that you don’t know or it can involve deep issues (e.g. feeling of inadequacy, incompetence, unworthiness, rejection). These things are often difficult for individuals to face directly and yet can be seen by others.

The hidden area is things you know about yourself but others don’t know.

The unknown area is unknown by you and others.

So what do we do with this knowledge?

The end goal is to enlarge the open area, without disclosing information that is too personal. The more your people know about each other, the more productive, cooperative and effective they will be when working together.

The process of enlarging the open area is called „self-disclosure“, and it’s a give and take process that takes place between yourself and the people you are interacting with.

As you share information, your open area expands (vertically) and your hidden area gets smaller.

life coaching colouryourdream purpose goal dream

As people provide feedback to you about what they know or see about you, your open area expands horizontally and your blind area gets smaller.

life coaching colouryourdream purpose dream goal (2)

The „Johari Window“ helps to look to your own character and it illustrates the importance of sharing, being open and accepting feedback from others.

 

Comments (2) »

Forgiveness

colouryourdream life coaching purpose in life God landscape photography dream

 

Who doesn’t want to have great relationships? A few days ago I read something that I believe is very true.

It is the key to great relationships.

 

“Forgiveness involves extending love and mercy to someone who has wronged you or hurt you. It clears the way to

reconciliation and restoration of a relationship. When we realise how much God has forgiven us and how great is

his mercy, we can more easily forgive those who hurt us and extend mercy to them. This is the key to great relationships.”

 

God’s mercy is new every morning and we can make a fresh, new start every single day. I think we can make a conscious decision,

not to hold a grudge against the other person but to forgive and make a new start – over and over again. I guess it is our own pride or hurt

if we don’t do it – or what do you think?

 

(Excerpt from the App:  Bible in one year, Nicky&Pippa Gumbel, excerpt from the daily commentary  October 29th )

Comments (7) »

%d bloggers like this: