Archive for struggle

Being in a hurry

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Being in a hurry.

Getting to the next thing

without

fully entering the thing in front of me.

I cannot think of a single advantage I’ve ever gained from being in a hurry.

But a thousand broken and missed things,

tens of thousands,

lie in the wake of all the rushing….

Through all that haste I thought I was making up time.

It turns out

I was throwing it away.” 

Ann Voskamp

 

??? What’s your experience???

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To understand each other (Part 4)

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How do we achieve understanding? Paul Tournier writes in his book*: „One who feels understood feels loved, and one who feels loved feels sure of being understood.

(…) Deep sharing is overwhelming, and very rare. A thousand fears keep us in check. First of all there is the fear of breaking down, of crying. There is especially the fear that the other will not sense the tremendous importance with which this memory or feeling is charged. How painful it is when such a difficult sharing falls flat, upon ears either preoccupied or mocking, ears in any case that do not sense the significance of what we’re saying.“ (P.28+29).

So what can happen next? Tournier points out that a partner who has spoken in a very personal way „without being understood falls back into terrible emotional solitude. He may become sick because of it. In such circumstances some will go to see their pastor or priest, others their doctor. They are simply seeking someone who can understand. In certain cases of therapy, the help of a doctor or of a man of God may be necessary. Often, however, a wife can bring the same help to her husband, or he to her, if the same painstaking care is exercised in listening as would be done by a pastor, priest, psychologist, or doctor. How beautiful, how grand and liberating this experience is when couples learn so to help each other. It is impossible to overemphasize the immense need men have to be really listened to, to be taken seriously, to be understood.“ (P.29)

I think we can all learn to listen better! Some are better than others already. But each one of us can improve!

He says that a man, if he is alone „marks his time and becomes very set in his ways. In the demanding confrontation which marriage constitutes, he must ever go beyond himself, develop, grow up into maturity. When marriage is reduced to mere symbiosis of two persons essentially hidden from one another, peaceful though such life may sometimes be, it has completely missed its goal. Then it is not solely the marriage which has failed, but both husband and wife. They have failed in their calling as a man and a woman. To fail to understand one’s spouse is to fail to understand oneself. It is also a failure to grow and to fulfull one’s possibilities.“ (P.31)

What Tournier points out as very important is to face problems and not to avoid them.

What? Problems? Some couples might say: We never argue. But like Tournier says, there are „problems in every marriage“ and those „who make a success of their marriage are those who tackle their problems together and who overcome them. Those who lack the courage to do this are the ones whose marriage is a failure.“

It is the „differences in our characters, tastes, habits, prejudices, and convictions which oblige us to a greater effort to understand each other. These in turn lead to further growth in both of us.“ (P.33+34)

It takes courage he says to „face up to all the problems created by a complete adaptation of two personalities. People are very different one from another.“

And „to come to understand that one’s partner is very different – this already presupposes a great deal of personal growth.“ (P.35)

??? Can you relate to what the author is saying? Do you share his opinion? What do you experience in your marriage? Do you have any good tips for understanding the other better???

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*Book: „To understand each other. Classic wisdom on marriage“, Paul Tournier

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Why arguments hurt

Here comes the continuation of my post: Handling differences and dissagreements. It is about why and how an argument hurts. I found it quite interesting to read it, because I thought already a long time ago before I read this: it is often not the content (what is said) why we get hurt, but because of the HOW it is said.

John Gray says that it is not „what we say that hurts but how we say it.“ When a man „feels challenged, his attention becomes focused on being right and he forgets to be loving as well. Automatically his ability to communicate in a caring, respectful, and reassuring tone decreases. He is aware neither of how uncaring he sounds nor of how hurtful this is to his partner.“

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Further he says that „naturally a woman feels resistant to this unloving approach, even when she would be otherwise receptive to the content of what he was saying. A man unknowingly hurts his partner by speaking in an uncaring manner and then goes on to explain why she should not be upset. He mistakenly assumes she is restisting the content of his point of view, when really his unloving delivery is what upsets her. Because he does not understand her reaction, he focuses more on explaining the merit of what he is saying instead of correcting the way he is saying it.

He has no idea that he is starting an argument; he thinks she is arguing with him. He defends his point of view while she defends herself from his sharpened expression, which are hurtful to her.“

??? Do you want to share any of your thoughts??? When you argue with someone, why or when do you get hurt???

Kindle e-book: Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, John Gray, Loc 2644-2673)

 

 

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Core values

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As you run around struggling to check your daily „to dos“ off your list, it’s easy to lose sight of what’s really important –your core values. Take the time to check in with yourself. Take a sheet of paper and list your values and then ask yourself if you’ve done or said anything recently that you aren’t proud of. Before long you’ll find yourself thinking of the list before you act.“

??? Do you have any experiences with “To do lists” and your core values???

(Book: Emotional Intelligence 2.0, Strategy #11)

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Handling differences and disagreements

A long time ago I heard from a book: Men are from Mars, women are from Venus (John Gray).

I never read this book, even if it was very popular at this time. But the last 6 years I lived in a house with 3 other people and one of them had this book, so I started to read it and was very surprised . It describes men and women in general – and in many described examples I could find myself.

I haven’t finished reading the book yet, but once in a while I read a few pages.

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A few weeks ago I read a bit further where I left off the other day. It was chapter 9: How to avoid arguments.

I don’t know if you ever have arguments in your relationship? If not, you don’t need to read it, if yes it could help you =) – to understand yourself better and also your partner. Reading it can also help your general understanding about men and women.

A challenge in relationships is handling differences and disagreements. Often the couple stops talking in a loving manner and begin:

  • hurting
  • blaming
  • complaining
  • accusing
  • demanding
  • resenting
  • doubting

each other.

Communication is very important in a relationship and „arguments can be the most destructive element.“ The „closer we are to someone, the easier it is to bruise or to be bruised.“

John Gray recommends: never argue! „Instead discuss the pros and cons of something. It is possible to be honest, open and even express negative feelings without arguing or fighting.“

What happens when we argue? When we don’t understand that men and women are different it is easy to get into „arguments that hurt not only our partner but also ourselves.“

 „The secret to avoiding arguments is loving and respectful communication. The differences and disagreements don’t hurt as much as the ways in which we communicate them. Ideally an argument does not have to be hurtful; instead it can simply be an engaging conversation that expresses our differences and disagreements (…). But practically speaking most couples start out arguing about one thing and, within five minutes, are arguing about the way they are arguing.

Unknowingly they begin hurting each other, what could have been an innocent argument, easily resolved with mutual understanding and an acceptance of differences, escalates into a battle. They refuse to accept or understand the content of their partner’s point of view because of the way they are being approached.

Resolving an argument requires extending or stretching our point of view to include and integrate another point of view. To make this stretch we need to feel appreciated and respected. If our partner’s attitude is unloving, our self-esteem can actually be wounded by taking on their point of view.”

??? What is your experience with this topic???

(Kindle e-book: Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, John Gray, Loc 2644-2673)

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Inner power

Three weeks ago I moved basically to the other end of the world. While packing some personal things, I found a little notebook with some notes I made a few years ago. I wrote down some points which I read in a book* and I came to the conclusion to keep this notebook. Because the author points out some interesting things I think it’s worth sharing here on the blog.

Why are some people stronger than others?

Inner power, inner strength makes all the difference in those who are secure. Secure in their social interactions with others – secure within themselves.“

Jane Lind says that power means being filled up and a lack of power is emtiness and having no strength.

Inner power comes from feeling loved. Those who have been filled with the power of love are powerful and have little need to struggle for power.Without inner power, there can be no inner peace.

life coaching purpose life goal inner strength                                                                                                                                              (c) colouryourdream

The more powerless we feel, the more we will struggle. And the more we struggle, the less we will have peace within. Whether the problem is a struggle within ourselves (e.g. problem with weight) or whether the problem is an exchange with another person.“

The author tells a story about a guy: „One would never know from looking at him on the outside that anything was wrong. I don’t understand why I have always felt something was missing. Although Tom’s parents had given him everything he could want in material, they had not given him the inner power that only comes from being loved. Tom went along trying to earn, trying to earn love, trying to be filled up.

On the other hand Jane Lind describes a girl/ woman who experienced following:

Maria grew up in a poor section. She had to resist drugs and crime and worked long hours after school. She had never known her father. Maria was born to a teenage mother. But Maria had inner peace. Maria was happy, cheerful, warm and loving. Maria was given consistent love and acceptance by her mother. Maria was powerful.

We start our life as empty vessels. We need to be charged like a battery. We can be charged with positive power or negative power or a mixture of both.

If we are not filled with positive power as a child or do not find, later in life, a person who loves us enough to fill us with the inner power of love and/ or do not experience the love of God through Christ, then we may feel empty or we may fill ourselves with negative power.

Love is positive power. Without love, we feel powerless, empty of power.

We need God’s love, but we also need love from others. We each, individuallyneed to receive love from at least one other human being.

Unless this love is received, it will not help. Love may be there, being offered, but often, because someone doesn’t feel worthy and/ or cannot believe that anyone would love him or her, and therefore is not open to accepting this love, it will not be received. There are those with personality problems, emotional and mental illness, who put up barriers to receiving love, even that which comes from God. There are those who have built up a defence and let not anyone love them.

Whether we are powerful or not, award titles and money do not make a lasting impression in terms of inner peace and strength. After attaining these, we very often still feel power empty.

Someone, not something, must give us love. Objects and positions alone are not enough to make us powerful.“

My notes end here and I forgot, if I put the book in my boxes I sent to my new home, or if I left the book behind.

When I think of the many people I met all over the world, I think it’s true what Jane Lind is saying in her book.

???Think about people you know or think about your own life. What did you experience? Do you think that the thoughts are valid?

* Book: Powerdigm, Jane Lind (1998)

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