Archive for Communication

Emotional ability

life coaching, colouryourdream, life, coaching, feelings, purpose, goal

Do you sometimtes honestly express to others how you feel? How do they react? Are they understanding or do they say: „Oh, it’s not that bad’, „Oh, I experienced much harder things“, „Oh, don’t be like this“, „Oh, why do you cry“?

Lean into your own discomfort and take a moment to acknowledge, not stifle or change other people’s feelings. You don’t have to agree with the way people are feeling, but you do have to recognize those feelings as legitimate and respect them. If you’re known for being terrible with relationships, then this may be a great place to start getting better.“

(Quote: Emotional Intelligence 2.0, Strategy #59)

I exprienced both type of people – but fortunately more the understanding ones, those who understand or really try to understand how a person is feeling. I think this has to do with being able to empathize, with emotional intelligence, how you grew up – what kind of role models you had – were they understanding or not? Did they share their feelings or just „swallowed“ everything?

I think some people can’t really „feel“ (empathize) with you, because they don’t want to be challenged in their „own world“. They don’t want to deal with feelings, just with facts. I think that people who don’t reflect on how they feel, they store up all kinds of feelings inside and one day it will all come up to the surface, e.g. in form of anger, or nasty words, blame.

If your emotional abilities aren’t in hand, if you don’t have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can’t have empathy and effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far.“ (Daniel Goleman)

??? I would love to hear from you what you think about this post? What experiences do you have with this???

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Are you interested in others?

 

 

life coaching, coaching, life, colouryourdream, understanding, purpose,goal

Do you know people well? Are you open with your friends, aquaintances and family?

Do you understand them? Do you know why they do the things they do? Are you interested in them? How do you show that you are interested in them? How do you find out if you understand them?

I think many people don’t take the time to really understand a person. Instead they make up their mind why a person is the way she/ he is or why a person reacts a certain way. Many people are only interested in themselves and can’t bother to get to know other people very well.

I love it, when people ask me questions, because it shows that they are interested in me, want to know something about me or want to know my opinion about a topic. I also love to ask questions and find out more about people – I find it fascinating to get to know people on a deeper level. A great way is to ask questions.

When people know you well, there’s less room for them to misinterpret you. Make the time to be more open with friends, coworkers, or family about why you do the things you do. Also the more you show interest in them, the better shot you have at understanding them well, too. Be curious about who they are and why they do the things they do.“

It is good to ask questions – not only to people we don’t know (well), but also to people we know very well (or we think we know well). You will be surprised what you find out about a person when you ask them different questions. Sometimes we think that we know a person very well, but when we start asking questions we realize that we don’t.

??? What questions do you like asking??? What do you like about asking questions? Why don’t you ask questions? What holds you back from asking questions? What do you like about when others ask you questions???

(Quote: Book: Emotional Intelligence 2.0, Strategy # 50)

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To understand each other (Part 4)

life coaching, colouryourdream, life, purpose, marriage

How do we achieve understanding? Paul Tournier writes in his book*: „One who feels understood feels loved, and one who feels loved feels sure of being understood.

(…) Deep sharing is overwhelming, and very rare. A thousand fears keep us in check. First of all there is the fear of breaking down, of crying. There is especially the fear that the other will not sense the tremendous importance with which this memory or feeling is charged. How painful it is when such a difficult sharing falls flat, upon ears either preoccupied or mocking, ears in any case that do not sense the significance of what we’re saying.“ (P.28+29).

So what can happen next? Tournier points out that a partner who has spoken in a very personal way „without being understood falls back into terrible emotional solitude. He may become sick because of it. In such circumstances some will go to see their pastor or priest, others their doctor. They are simply seeking someone who can understand. In certain cases of therapy, the help of a doctor or of a man of God may be necessary. Often, however, a wife can bring the same help to her husband, or he to her, if the same painstaking care is exercised in listening as would be done by a pastor, priest, psychologist, or doctor. How beautiful, how grand and liberating this experience is when couples learn so to help each other. It is impossible to overemphasize the immense need men have to be really listened to, to be taken seriously, to be understood.“ (P.29)

I think we can all learn to listen better! Some are better than others already. But each one of us can improve!

He says that a man, if he is alone „marks his time and becomes very set in his ways. In the demanding confrontation which marriage constitutes, he must ever go beyond himself, develop, grow up into maturity. When marriage is reduced to mere symbiosis of two persons essentially hidden from one another, peaceful though such life may sometimes be, it has completely missed its goal. Then it is not solely the marriage which has failed, but both husband and wife. They have failed in their calling as a man and a woman. To fail to understand one’s spouse is to fail to understand oneself. It is also a failure to grow and to fulfull one’s possibilities.“ (P.31)

What Tournier points out as very important is to face problems and not to avoid them.

What? Problems? Some couples might say: We never argue. But like Tournier says, there are „problems in every marriage“ and those „who make a success of their marriage are those who tackle their problems together and who overcome them. Those who lack the courage to do this are the ones whose marriage is a failure.“

It is the „differences in our characters, tastes, habits, prejudices, and convictions which oblige us to a greater effort to understand each other. These in turn lead to further growth in both of us.“ (P.33+34)

It takes courage he says to „face up to all the problems created by a complete adaptation of two personalities. People are very different one from another.“

And „to come to understand that one’s partner is very different – this already presupposes a great deal of personal growth.“ (P.35)

??? Can you relate to what the author is saying? Do you share his opinion? What do you experience in your marriage? Do you have any good tips for understanding the other better???

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*Book: „To understand each other. Classic wisdom on marriage“, Paul Tournier

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To understand each other (Part 3)

life coaching, colouryourdream, life, purpose, marriage

Paul Tournier points out that many couples who are married for a few years no longer „really talk to each other.“ And he means REAL talk, not only secondary matters, but „matters that are really essential, intimate, personal. After a few years the „thirst for discovery and for understanding has been dried. The problem is when the wife stops to express herself. And „the less she expresses herself, the less she will be understood; the less she feels understood, the more she will withdraw into herself.“

He says, if you think that you „know your wife or your husband, it is because you have given up the real attempt to discover him.“

What is important is: 1. The will to understand and 2. expressing oneself.

We express ourselves of course not only in marriage, but „it is toward his wife that his need to express himself is the greatest.“ It is easy to avoid talking and find „duties in order to escape face-to-face relationships. The fact is that many married people flee from it; they are afraid of opening up in depth. They do not take the time which is necessary for it. Even when on vacation they run about seeking every kind of distraction, invite home very charming friends, friends who enable them to avoid calm and peaceful talk together. A great deal of time must be taken in order to build a true marriage (…). A deep encounter rarely takes place in a few moments. It must be prepared for by hours careful drawing together.“

Tournier points out that a „complete unveiling of one’s inner thoughts, an absolute necessity for real and deep understanding, demands a great deal of courage.“

Some people have fear of real conversation. Tournier thinks that there might be two reasons: the fear of being judged, the fear of criticism and second the fear of receiving advice.

He says that we fear critical judgement most from the people we love most and that „few people really accept the fact that their marital partner behaves in a profoundly different way from themselves.“

The „I cannot understand“ really means „I cannot understand that my husband is different from me, that he thinks, feels, and acts in a quite different manner than I.““

And then „the husband feels judged, condemned, criticized. All of us fear this, for no one is satisfied with himself. We are especially sensitive to blame for shortcomings which we ourselves find stupid, and which we have never been able to correct in spite of our sincerest efforts. „

How do we really understand? In order to understand, „we need to listen, not to reply. We need to listen long and attentively. In order to help anybody to open his heart, we have to give him time, asking only a few questions, as carefully as possible, in order to help him better explain his experience. Above all we must not give the impression that we know better than he does what he must do. Otherwise we force him to withdraw. Too much criticism will also achieve the same result, so fragile are his inner sensitivities.“

Some husbands say, that they don’t want to burden their wife with worry and they keep their problems to themselves. These men maybe sincere in thinking this, „but they are deluding themselves. There are always deeper reasons for such inner blockage of confidences. In any case it is a sign that the marital sharing has failed. A woman can bear any anxiety when she feels supported by her husband (…).“

Paul Tournier goes on and writes that the worst worry for a woman is „perhaps that of feeling that her husband is weighed down with problems which he does not share with her.“

There are many people who are misunderstood, but it’s also because they are partly responsible for it. But, if „they are not understood, it is because they have not opened up.“

Tournier writes, that many people who come to his office say to him that with him they can open up, because he understands them. But he says, that the „truth is rather the reverse; I understand them because they open up. Sometimes I understand them much better than their partners, because they tell me everything they hold back from them.“

He says, when „we have a client too long in therapy, the time comes when our opinion of him dries up, unknown to us, his readiness to share confidences. He will no longer tell us anything but what he believes we can understand. Once again the fear of being misunderstood has made its appearance in him.“

 

??? A question for couples which are married for a long time: what is your experience? Can you relate to what is written in the post???

 

Book: „To understand each other. Classic wisdom on marriage“, Paul Tournier

 

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To understand each other (Part 2)

life coaching, colouryourdream, life, purpose, marriage

Here comes the continuation of my summary of the book „To understand each other. Classic wisdom on marriage“, Paul Tournier.

I think the author has some interesting and valid points – I think: I am not even married one year, so I am looking forward to read your comments =)

I try to excerpt the most important viewpoints here.

The first condition for mutual understanding is the „desire“ for understanding.

Tournier describes a couple where the wife was „suffering because the husband did not pay attention to her.“ He says that this couple was „one of many“, where „gradually man and wife have grown apart without there ever having taken place any serious conflict.“ Tournier mentions that there are many couples which „live side by side, without hurting one another, but poles apart because of no real understanding of one another.“ He says that there is „an important difference between degrees of understanding. Many people live for years together without deep understanding, without even seeking it. This we see in outstanding, cultured, intelligent families, people of the very highest order, learned men, even professors of psychology.“

Tournier mentions that the so-called “emotional incompatibility is a myth.” “There are misunderstandings and mistakes, however, which can be corrected where there is the willingness to do so.

He points out that the most frequent fault seems to him the “lack of complete frankness.” He sees many couples and he discovers behind their difficulties this “lack of mutual openness, a loyal and total openness to one another without which there can be no real understanding. A couple who are courageous enough always to say everything will without doubt go through many upsets, but they will be able to build an ever more successful marriage.”

He says that many couples “no longer realize, that they are hiding a part of their real feelings from each other, a part of their ideas, convictions, and personal reactions.“

And then he points out that many couples „put aside certain subjects“ in order to have peace, but these subjects are most important for their „coming to a true mutual understanding.“ So „they are starting to become strangers to one another…“

In the bibel we read, that when a woman and a man marries „they shall no longer be two, but one. And what does it mean to be one? Obviously „not to have secrets from each other. As soon as a couple begin to hide matters from one another they compromise the basic openess of marital life. They start off on the road to failure. This is true even if it is done out of the best intentions, or even if it is a very good thing that is hidden.“

 

???I think Tourniers points are very interesting and I would be interested to hear from experienced couples (I am only married for a few months now, so I am not that experienced): Do you think Tournier has a valid point? What is your experience with understanding the partner???

 

Book: „To understand each other. Classic wisdom on marriage“, Paul Tournier

 

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Understanding each other

life coaching, colouryourdream, life, purpose, marriage

Lately I read a little book about marriage. I saw so many different couples in my life and thought a lot about this topic. It is so sad, that so many marriages fail and the question is why?

I thank God that I grew up in a very stable family environment, with loving parents and sisters. In my surrounding I never really experienced marriage breakups, this was quite foreign for me. Nowadays it is so sad to see so many couples break up.

So I thought I write in the next posts about a book from a Swiss physician (Paul Tournier), who made a significant contribution to understanding of psychiatry and its relation to the Christian faith.

On the spine of his book: „To understand each other. Classic wisdom on marriage“, Paul Tournier  you can read the following:

He writes that the „major problem is „to understand each other.“ He says: „When we talk of marriage counseling we think immideately of the extreme cases, of threats to seek divorce, of couples in violent disputes who frequently come to blows.“ But there are many other couples whose marriages are no less a failure. „They live side by side, without hurting one another, but poles apart, because of no real understanding of one another.“ Courship’s complete frankness has given way to superficial exchanges of information. The husband and wife fail to realize that they are hiding part of their real feelings from each other.

Paul Tournier says, that he sees many couple and „behind their difficulties I always discover a lack of mutual openness, a loyal and total openness to one another without which there can be no real understanding.“ And the ability to understand each other is what counts in working out marital happiness together. In his book: „To understand each other – classic wisdom on marriage“ he suggests ways to achieve this understanding.“

My next post will contain excerpts of his book. 

??? What did you experience with this topic so far???

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Understanding each other

life coaching, colouryourdream, pupose, goal, dream

Did you ever experienced that you said something and the other person thought she/he understood what you were saying – I mean REALLY understood what you meant?

I think communication and really understanding what the other person is saying, is not that easy. It can be the communication in a relationship, with a friend, with parents, with kids, with colleagues. It’s always good to ask the other person: Is it this what you meant? Did I understand you right? What do you mean by this…?

I read a good quote what is worth thinking of:

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”

-Robert McCloskey-

???How do you communicate? Do people understand what you say? What do you do to make sure that you understood the other person???

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