Archive for Conflict

Train your EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient)

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Do you sometimes or often or always avoid difficult people or situations? Why?

What could you do different next time in order to grow in Emotional Intelligence?

Here is one tip:

Do not avoid difficult people or inevitably tough situations. Make the choice to use your EQ (=Emotional Intelligence Quotient) skills to move forward by watching your emotions and making decisions about how to manage them. Observe the other person too, share your preferences, and move forward with reasonable expectations.“

??? Who is a difficult person for you or what situations are difficult for you? What feelings do you have when coming across difficult people or situations? What helps you to not avoid these people or situations???

(Quote: Emotional Intelligence 2.0, Strategy #58)

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To understand each other (Part 4)

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How do we achieve understanding? Paul Tournier writes in his book*: „One who feels understood feels loved, and one who feels loved feels sure of being understood.

(…) Deep sharing is overwhelming, and very rare. A thousand fears keep us in check. First of all there is the fear of breaking down, of crying. There is especially the fear that the other will not sense the tremendous importance with which this memory or feeling is charged. How painful it is when such a difficult sharing falls flat, upon ears either preoccupied or mocking, ears in any case that do not sense the significance of what we’re saying.“ (P.28+29).

So what can happen next? Tournier points out that a partner who has spoken in a very personal way „without being understood falls back into terrible emotional solitude. He may become sick because of it. In such circumstances some will go to see their pastor or priest, others their doctor. They are simply seeking someone who can understand. In certain cases of therapy, the help of a doctor or of a man of God may be necessary. Often, however, a wife can bring the same help to her husband, or he to her, if the same painstaking care is exercised in listening as would be done by a pastor, priest, psychologist, or doctor. How beautiful, how grand and liberating this experience is when couples learn so to help each other. It is impossible to overemphasize the immense need men have to be really listened to, to be taken seriously, to be understood.“ (P.29)

I think we can all learn to listen better! Some are better than others already. But each one of us can improve!

He says that a man, if he is alone „marks his time and becomes very set in his ways. In the demanding confrontation which marriage constitutes, he must ever go beyond himself, develop, grow up into maturity. When marriage is reduced to mere symbiosis of two persons essentially hidden from one another, peaceful though such life may sometimes be, it has completely missed its goal. Then it is not solely the marriage which has failed, but both husband and wife. They have failed in their calling as a man and a woman. To fail to understand one’s spouse is to fail to understand oneself. It is also a failure to grow and to fulfull one’s possibilities.“ (P.31)

What Tournier points out as very important is to face problems and not to avoid them.

What? Problems? Some couples might say: We never argue. But like Tournier says, there are „problems in every marriage“ and those „who make a success of their marriage are those who tackle their problems together and who overcome them. Those who lack the courage to do this are the ones whose marriage is a failure.“

It is the „differences in our characters, tastes, habits, prejudices, and convictions which oblige us to a greater effort to understand each other. These in turn lead to further growth in both of us.“ (P.33+34)

It takes courage he says to „face up to all the problems created by a complete adaptation of two personalities. People are very different one from another.“

And „to come to understand that one’s partner is very different – this already presupposes a great deal of personal growth.“ (P.35)

??? Can you relate to what the author is saying? Do you share his opinion? What do you experience in your marriage? Do you have any good tips for understanding the other better???

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*Book: „To understand each other. Classic wisdom on marriage“, Paul Tournier

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Why arguments hurt

Here comes the continuation of my post: Handling differences and dissagreements. It is about why and how an argument hurts. I found it quite interesting to read it, because I thought already a long time ago before I read this: it is often not the content (what is said) why we get hurt, but because of the HOW it is said.

John Gray says that it is not „what we say that hurts but how we say it.“ When a man „feels challenged, his attention becomes focused on being right and he forgets to be loving as well. Automatically his ability to communicate in a caring, respectful, and reassuring tone decreases. He is aware neither of how uncaring he sounds nor of how hurtful this is to his partner.“

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Further he says that „naturally a woman feels resistant to this unloving approach, even when she would be otherwise receptive to the content of what he was saying. A man unknowingly hurts his partner by speaking in an uncaring manner and then goes on to explain why she should not be upset. He mistakenly assumes she is restisting the content of his point of view, when really his unloving delivery is what upsets her. Because he does not understand her reaction, he focuses more on explaining the merit of what he is saying instead of correcting the way he is saying it.

He has no idea that he is starting an argument; he thinks she is arguing with him. He defends his point of view while she defends herself from his sharpened expression, which are hurtful to her.“

??? Do you want to share any of your thoughts??? When you argue with someone, why or when do you get hurt???

Kindle e-book: Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, John Gray, Loc 2644-2673)

 

 

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Handling differences and disagreements

A long time ago I heard from a book: Men are from Mars, women are from Venus (John Gray).

I never read this book, even if it was very popular at this time. But the last 6 years I lived in a house with 3 other people and one of them had this book, so I started to read it and was very surprised . It describes men and women in general – and in many described examples I could find myself.

I haven’t finished reading the book yet, but once in a while I read a few pages.

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A few weeks ago I read a bit further where I left off the other day. It was chapter 9: How to avoid arguments.

I don’t know if you ever have arguments in your relationship? If not, you don’t need to read it, if yes it could help you =) – to understand yourself better and also your partner. Reading it can also help your general understanding about men and women.

A challenge in relationships is handling differences and disagreements. Often the couple stops talking in a loving manner and begin:

  • hurting
  • blaming
  • complaining
  • accusing
  • demanding
  • resenting
  • doubting

each other.

Communication is very important in a relationship and „arguments can be the most destructive element.“ The „closer we are to someone, the easier it is to bruise or to be bruised.“

John Gray recommends: never argue! „Instead discuss the pros and cons of something. It is possible to be honest, open and even express negative feelings without arguing or fighting.“

What happens when we argue? When we don’t understand that men and women are different it is easy to get into „arguments that hurt not only our partner but also ourselves.“

 „The secret to avoiding arguments is loving and respectful communication. The differences and disagreements don’t hurt as much as the ways in which we communicate them. Ideally an argument does not have to be hurtful; instead it can simply be an engaging conversation that expresses our differences and disagreements (…). But practically speaking most couples start out arguing about one thing and, within five minutes, are arguing about the way they are arguing.

Unknowingly they begin hurting each other, what could have been an innocent argument, easily resolved with mutual understanding and an acceptance of differences, escalates into a battle. They refuse to accept or understand the content of their partner’s point of view because of the way they are being approached.

Resolving an argument requires extending or stretching our point of view to include and integrate another point of view. To make this stretch we need to feel appreciated and respected. If our partner’s attitude is unloving, our self-esteem can actually be wounded by taking on their point of view.”

??? What is your experience with this topic???

(Kindle e-book: Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, John Gray, Loc 2644-2673)

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Forgiveness

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Who doesn’t want to have great relationships? A few days ago I read something that I believe is very true.

It is the key to great relationships.

 

“Forgiveness involves extending love and mercy to someone who has wronged you or hurt you. It clears the way to

reconciliation and restoration of a relationship. When we realise how much God has forgiven us and how great is

his mercy, we can more easily forgive those who hurt us and extend mercy to them. This is the key to great relationships.”

 

God’s mercy is new every morning and we can make a fresh, new start every single day. I think we can make a conscious decision,

not to hold a grudge against the other person but to forgive and make a new start – over and over again. I guess it is our own pride or hurt

if we don’t do it – or what do you think?

 

(Excerpt from the App:  Bible in one year, Nicky&Pippa Gumbel, excerpt from the daily commentary  October 29th )

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How can you resolve conflict in a positive way?

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Do you know any person, who never has a conflict to resolve or a disagreement?

I think conflict and disagreement belong to our lives, but the question is: how do we resolve conflict? Do we resolve it in a negative or positive way?
How can we handle emotionally-charged situations and defuse them before they escalate?
It is common that people have different opinions, expectations and needs. But this is not a bad thing. It is possible to resolve a conflict in a healthy and constructive way.
When you feel threatened or punished by a conflict, this can create negative feelings.
But when a conflict isn’t perceived as “threatening or punishing, it fosters freedom, creativity, and safety in relationships.”
One skill of emotional intelligence is the ability to manage conflicts in a “positive, trust-building way.”
How can you resolve a conflict in a trust-building way?

– Choose your arguments: Think first – is it worth arguing about it or not? If you want to resolve the conflict in a positive way, you need time and energy for your arguments

– Stay focused in the present: don’t hold on to old hurts and resentments. Recognize the reality of the current situation and view it as a “new opportunity for resolving old feelings about conflicts.”

– end conflicts that cannot be resolved: you need two people to “keep an argument going. You can choose to disengage from a conflict, even if you still disagree.”

– Forgive: people have hurt you in the past – but this is the past If you want to resolve conflict, you need to “give up the urge to punish or seek revenge”

??? How do you resolve conflict??? I would be interested in knowing how you deal with conflict and what you experienced with it???

(Quotes from website: www.helpguide.org, Authors: Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., and Melinda Smith, M.A.)

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