Posts tagged hurt

Handling differences and disagreements

A long time ago I heard from a book: Men are from Mars, women are from Venus (John Gray).

I never read this book, even if it was very popular at this time. But the last 6 years I lived in a house with 3 other people and one of them had this book, so I started to read it and was very surprised . It describes men and women in general – and in many described examples I could find myself.

I haven’t finished reading the book yet, but once in a while I read a few pages.

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A few weeks ago I read a bit further where I left off the other day. It was chapter 9: How to avoid arguments.

I don’t know if you ever have arguments in your relationship? If not, you don’t need to read it, if yes it could help you =) – to understand yourself better and also your partner. Reading it can also help your general understanding about men and women.

A challenge in relationships is handling differences and disagreements. Often the couple stops talking in a loving manner and begin:

  • hurting
  • blaming
  • complaining
  • accusing
  • demanding
  • resenting
  • doubting

each other.

Communication is very important in a relationship and „arguments can be the most destructive element.“ The „closer we are to someone, the easier it is to bruise or to be bruised.“

John Gray recommends: never argue! „Instead discuss the pros and cons of something. It is possible to be honest, open and even express negative feelings without arguing or fighting.“

What happens when we argue? When we don’t understand that men and women are different it is easy to get into „arguments that hurt not only our partner but also ourselves.“

 „The secret to avoiding arguments is loving and respectful communication. The differences and disagreements don’t hurt as much as the ways in which we communicate them. Ideally an argument does not have to be hurtful; instead it can simply be an engaging conversation that expresses our differences and disagreements (…). But practically speaking most couples start out arguing about one thing and, within five minutes, are arguing about the way they are arguing.

Unknowingly they begin hurting each other, what could have been an innocent argument, easily resolved with mutual understanding and an acceptance of differences, escalates into a battle. They refuse to accept or understand the content of their partner’s point of view because of the way they are being approached.

Resolving an argument requires extending or stretching our point of view to include and integrate another point of view. To make this stretch we need to feel appreciated and respected. If our partner’s attitude is unloving, our self-esteem can actually be wounded by taking on their point of view.”

??? What is your experience with this topic???

(Kindle e-book: Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, John Gray, Loc 2644-2673)
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Forgiveness

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Who doesn’t want to have great relationships? A few days ago I read something that I believe is very true.

It is the key to great relationships.

 

“Forgiveness involves extending love and mercy to someone who has wronged you or hurt you. It clears the way to

reconciliation and restoration of a relationship. When we realise how much God has forgiven us and how great is

his mercy, we can more easily forgive those who hurt us and extend mercy to them. This is the key to great relationships.”

 

God’s mercy is new every morning and we can make a fresh, new start every single day. I think we can make a conscious decision,

not to hold a grudge against the other person but to forgive and make a new start – over and over again. I guess it is our own pride or hurt

if we don’t do it – or what do you think?

 

(Excerpt from the App:  Bible in one year, Nicky&Pippa Gumbel, excerpt from the daily commentary  October 29th )

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How can you resolve conflict in a positive way?

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Do you know any person, who never has a conflict to resolve or a disagreement?

I think conflict and disagreement belong to our lives, but the question is: how do we resolve conflict? Do we resolve it in a negative or positive way?
How can we handle emotionally-charged situations and defuse them before they escalate?
It is common that people have different opinions, expectations and needs. But this is not a bad thing. It is possible to resolve a conflict in a healthy and constructive way.
When you feel threatened or punished by a conflict, this can create negative feelings.
But when a conflict isn’t perceived as “threatening or punishing, it fosters freedom, creativity, and safety in relationships.”
One skill of emotional intelligence is the ability to manage conflicts in a “positive, trust-building way.”
How can you resolve a conflict in a trust-building way?

– Choose your arguments: Think first – is it worth arguing about it or not? If you want to resolve the conflict in a positive way, you need time and energy for your arguments

– Stay focused in the present: don’t hold on to old hurts and resentments. Recognize the reality of the current situation and view it as a “new opportunity for resolving old feelings about conflicts.”

– end conflicts that cannot be resolved: you need two people to “keep an argument going. You can choose to disengage from a conflict, even if you still disagree.”

– Forgive: people have hurt you in the past – but this is the past If you want to resolve conflict, you need to “give up the urge to punish or seek revenge”

??? How do you resolve conflict??? I would be interested in knowing how you deal with conflict and what you experienced with it???

(Quotes from website: www.helpguide.org, Authors: Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., and Melinda Smith, M.A.)

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