Posts tagged relationship

Why arguments hurt

Here comes the continuation of my post: Handling differences and dissagreements. It is about why and how an argument hurts. I found it quite interesting to read it, because I thought already a long time ago before I read this: it is often not the content (what is said) why we get hurt, but because of the HOW it is said.

John Gray says that it is not „what we say that hurts but how we say it.“ When a man „feels challenged, his attention becomes focused on being right and he forgets to be loving as well. Automatically his ability to communicate in a caring, respectful, and reassuring tone decreases. He is aware neither of how uncaring he sounds nor of how hurtful this is to his partner.“

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Further he says that „naturally a woman feels resistant to this unloving approach, even when she would be otherwise receptive to the content of what he was saying. A man unknowingly hurts his partner by speaking in an uncaring manner and then goes on to explain why she should not be upset. He mistakenly assumes she is restisting the content of his point of view, when really his unloving delivery is what upsets her. Because he does not understand her reaction, he focuses more on explaining the merit of what he is saying instead of correcting the way he is saying it.

He has no idea that he is starting an argument; he thinks she is arguing with him. He defends his point of view while she defends herself from his sharpened expression, which are hurtful to her.“

??? Do you want to share any of your thoughts??? When you argue with someone, why or when do you get hurt???

Kindle e-book: Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, John Gray, Loc 2644-2673)

 

 

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Handling differences and disagreements

A long time ago I heard from a book: Men are from Mars, women are from Venus (John Gray).

I never read this book, even if it was very popular at this time. But the last 6 years I lived in a house with 3 other people and one of them had this book, so I started to read it and was very surprised . It describes men and women in general – and in many described examples I could find myself.

I haven’t finished reading the book yet, but once in a while I read a few pages.

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A few weeks ago I read a bit further where I left off the other day. It was chapter 9: How to avoid arguments.

I don’t know if you ever have arguments in your relationship? If not, you don’t need to read it, if yes it could help you =) – to understand yourself better and also your partner. Reading it can also help your general understanding about men and women.

A challenge in relationships is handling differences and disagreements. Often the couple stops talking in a loving manner and begin:

  • hurting
  • blaming
  • complaining
  • accusing
  • demanding
  • resenting
  • doubting

each other.

Communication is very important in a relationship and „arguments can be the most destructive element.“ The „closer we are to someone, the easier it is to bruise or to be bruised.“

John Gray recommends: never argue! „Instead discuss the pros and cons of something. It is possible to be honest, open and even express negative feelings without arguing or fighting.“

What happens when we argue? When we don’t understand that men and women are different it is easy to get into „arguments that hurt not only our partner but also ourselves.“

 „The secret to avoiding arguments is loving and respectful communication. The differences and disagreements don’t hurt as much as the ways in which we communicate them. Ideally an argument does not have to be hurtful; instead it can simply be an engaging conversation that expresses our differences and disagreements (…). But practically speaking most couples start out arguing about one thing and, within five minutes, are arguing about the way they are arguing.

Unknowingly they begin hurting each other, what could have been an innocent argument, easily resolved with mutual understanding and an acceptance of differences, escalates into a battle. They refuse to accept or understand the content of their partner’s point of view because of the way they are being approached.

Resolving an argument requires extending or stretching our point of view to include and integrate another point of view. To make this stretch we need to feel appreciated and respected. If our partner’s attitude is unloving, our self-esteem can actually be wounded by taking on their point of view.”

??? What is your experience with this topic???

(Kindle e-book: Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, John Gray, Loc 2644-2673)

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Forgiveness

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Who doesn’t want to have great relationships? A few days ago I read something that I believe is very true.

It is the key to great relationships.

 

“Forgiveness involves extending love and mercy to someone who has wronged you or hurt you. It clears the way to

reconciliation and restoration of a relationship. When we realise how much God has forgiven us and how great is

his mercy, we can more easily forgive those who hurt us and extend mercy to them. This is the key to great relationships.”

 

God’s mercy is new every morning and we can make a fresh, new start every single day. I think we can make a conscious decision,

not to hold a grudge against the other person but to forgive and make a new start – over and over again. I guess it is our own pride or hurt

if we don’t do it – or what do you think?

 

(Excerpt from the App:  Bible in one year, Nicky&Pippa Gumbel, excerpt from the daily commentary  October 29th )

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How can you resolve conflict in a positive way?

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Do you know any person, who never has a conflict to resolve or a disagreement?

I think conflict and disagreement belong to our lives, but the question is: how do we resolve conflict? Do we resolve it in a negative or positive way?
How can we handle emotionally-charged situations and defuse them before they escalate?
It is common that people have different opinions, expectations and needs. But this is not a bad thing. It is possible to resolve a conflict in a healthy and constructive way.
When you feel threatened or punished by a conflict, this can create negative feelings.
But when a conflict isn’t perceived as “threatening or punishing, it fosters freedom, creativity, and safety in relationships.”
One skill of emotional intelligence is the ability to manage conflicts in a “positive, trust-building way.”
How can you resolve a conflict in a trust-building way?

– Choose your arguments: Think first – is it worth arguing about it or not? If you want to resolve the conflict in a positive way, you need time and energy for your arguments

– Stay focused in the present: don’t hold on to old hurts and resentments. Recognize the reality of the current situation and view it as a “new opportunity for resolving old feelings about conflicts.”

– end conflicts that cannot be resolved: you need two people to “keep an argument going. You can choose to disengage from a conflict, even if you still disagree.”

– Forgive: people have hurt you in the past – but this is the past If you want to resolve conflict, you need to “give up the urge to punish or seek revenge”

??? How do you resolve conflict??? I would be interested in knowing how you deal with conflict and what you experienced with it???

(Quotes from website: www.helpguide.org, Authors: Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., and Melinda Smith, M.A.)

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Talk about feelings

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“The problem with the word “disabilities” is that it immediately suggests an inability to see or hear or walk. But what of people who can’t feel? Or talk about their feelings? Or manage their feelings in constructive ways? What of people who aren’t able to form close and strong relationships? And people who live in dissappointment and bitterness and find in life no joy, no love? These, it seems to me, are the real disabilities.”

-Fred Rogers-

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Emotional intelligence

 

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“Emotional intelligence is your ability to recognize and understand emotions in yourself and others, and your ability to use this awareness to manage your behavior and relationships.”

Drs. Travis Bradberry
and Jean Greaves

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Blessed new year 2013!

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Tomorrow is the last day of the year 2012 (or today – depending when you read this post or depending where you live =)

I can’t believe that this year is almost over again – it went by so fast.
It was a blessed year with lots of joy but also sadness.

When we went to the funeral of my auntie this week, I thought: I don’t know what people do who have no hope, who don’t know what comes after death?
In general funerals are very sad, because a person who we loved or know is not here on earth with us anymore.
But if you believe that there is life after death – a better life – it’s not that sad anymore. If a person loved God and commited his/her life to him on earth God promises a beautiful life with him when we die – our life finished on earth, but it will go on forever at a beautiful place :

Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?” (Bible, John 11,25)

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.” (John 3,16+17)

“There will be “no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” (Revelations 21,4)

I really love these bible verses – because it gives me so much hope and peace.
I also know that my aunt believed this and that she commited her life to the one who is the way, the truth and the life! (written in John 14,6).

The day she died there was a bible verse written in a book which many christians around the world read on a daily basis (with verses from the bible) – it’s called: “Losungen” in German (it’s a devotional guide for every day).
On the day she died there was this following verse written: from Isaiah 60,19+20

“The sun will no more be your light by day,
nor will the brightness of the moon shine on you,
for the Lord will be your everlasting light,
and your God will be your glory.
Your sun will never set again,
and your moon will wane no more;
the Lord will be your everlasting light,
and your days of sorrow will end.”

What a beautiful verse!

I wish you God’s blessing for the new year 2013!

I don’t know how you feel about the next coming year: maybe you are happy, maybe you have sorrows, maybe you are sad, maybe you are desperate, maybe you are fearful, maybe you are hopeful?

My prayer is that you find/ experience the most important: peace with God.

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