Emotion versus Reason

Sometimes I am quite emotional and for me it is good to talk with people, who are not so emotional. But sometimes I find it irritating, when people don’t show emotions. It is good to have a healthy balance. I learn in some situations, not be be too emotional. I find this following quote helpful – both go together (emotions and reasons).  It’s not only emotion OR reason – both are important to pay attention to.

“For that next sticky situation that gives you grief, create an Emotion vs. Reason list. Grab a sheet of paper and give yourself a few quiet moments to list on the left what your emotions are telling you to do, and list on the right what your reason is telling you to do. Now consider where your emotions are clouding your judgment and where your reason ignores important emotional cues.”

(Quote: Emotional Intelligence 2.0, Strategy #17)

 

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??? What is your experience with your emotions? Are you more the emotional type or more the reasoning            type???

Take a break

 

How do you know that you need a break? Have a look at this foto: What comes to your mind?

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When I was studying many years ago and working as a teacher, I felt the stress very often – I would even say almost constantly. There was a lot of pressure to get things done and to be always prepared. When I look back, I think: How in the world did I manage all this workload? Yes, it’s true: when you don’t pay attention to your body and the stress “signs” and when you don’t recharge the “battery” early enough, than it will cause damage in some way.

“The human mind and body tell you through emotional and physiological reactions when it’s time to slow down and take a break. Watch for your unique reactions to stress such as fatigue, upset stomach, pounding headaches, canker sores, or your back going out. Take the time to recognize these signals and recharge your emotional battery before your stress causes damage to your system.”

Right now I am taking an online university course in nutrition and disease prevention and it is very interesting to see, that what you eat and put into your body has a great effect on your health. I think many people are sick, because of many reasons: stress, overworking, poor nutrition and many other factors.

The best thing is to have a balanced life! But it is not that easy to realize. Right now I have the privilege to practise a balanced lifestyle: enough sleep, exercise, walking, healthy cooking, spending time with friends (in real life or on skype), exercising my mind (online studies)… This is great!

The last 6,5 years I worked as a flight attendant and I realize now even more how stressful this was in general. There was no routine – every month, every week, every day looked different. Yes, it was very exciting at times, but after a while my body was really tired.

Even I as an extrovert became more introverted in my free time, because in my work environment I was constantly surrounded by hundreds of people. Also on each flight: different colleagues, different bosses, different passengers, different destination. After a while this was quite tiring.

I am very thankful that I can live a more steady life at the moment, which is probably more healthy than my lifestyle before

??? When do you know that it is time to take a break? How and when do you feel stressed?

??? How do you take “time out”? How do you live a healthy lifestyle???

Looking forward to hearing from you!

 

(Quote from the book: Emotional Intelligence 2.0, Strategy #15)

 

Understanding each other

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Did you ever experienced that you said something and the other person thought she/he understood what you were saying – I mean REALLY understood what you meant?

I think communication and really understanding what the other person is saying, is not that easy. It can be the communication in a relationship, with a friend, with parents, with kids, with colleagues. It’s always good to ask the other person: Is it this what you meant? Did I understand you right? What do you mean by this…?

I read a good quote what is worth thinking of:

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”

-Robert McCloskey-

???How do you communicate? Do people understand what you say? What do you do to make sure that you understood the other person???

Why arguments hurt

Here comes the continuation of my post: Handling differences and dissagreements. It is about why and how an argument hurts. I found it quite interesting to read it, because I thought already a long time ago before I read this: it is often not the content (what is said) why we get hurt, but because of the HOW it is said.

John Gray says that it is not „what we say that hurts but how we say it.“ When a man „feels challenged, his attention becomes focused on being right and he forgets to be loving as well. Automatically his ability to communicate in a caring, respectful, and reassuring tone decreases. He is aware neither of how uncaring he sounds nor of how hurtful this is to his partner.“

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Further he says that „naturally a woman feels resistant to this unloving approach, even when she would be otherwise receptive to the content of what he was saying. A man unknowingly hurts his partner by speaking in an uncaring manner and then goes on to explain why she should not be upset. He mistakenly assumes she is restisting the content of his point of view, when really his unloving delivery is what upsets her. Because he does not understand her reaction, he focuses more on explaining the merit of what he is saying instead of correcting the way he is saying it.

He has no idea that he is starting an argument; he thinks she is arguing with him. He defends his point of view while she defends herself from his sharpened expression, which are hurtful to her.“

??? Do you want to share any of your thoughts??? When you argue with someone, why or when do you get hurt???

Kindle e-book: Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, John Gray, Loc 2644-2673)

 

 

Core values

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As you run around struggling to check your daily „to dos“ off your list, it’s easy to lose sight of what’s really important –your core values. Take the time to check in with yourself. Take a sheet of paper and list your values and then ask yourself if you’ve done or said anything recently that you aren’t proud of. Before long you’ll find yourself thinking of the list before you act.“

??? Do you have any experiences with “To do lists” and your core values???

(Book: Emotional Intelligence 2.0, Strategy #11)

Handling differences and disagreements

A long time ago I heard from a book: Men are from Mars, women are from Venus (John Gray).

I never read this book, even if it was very popular at this time. But the last 6 years I lived in a house with 3 other people and one of them had this book, so I started to read it and was very surprised . It describes men and women in general – and in many described examples I could find myself.

I haven’t finished reading the book yet, but once in a while I read a few pages.

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A few weeks ago I read a bit further where I left off the other day. It was chapter 9: How to avoid arguments.

I don’t know if you ever have arguments in your relationship? If not, you don’t need to read it, if yes it could help you =) – to understand yourself better and also your partner. Reading it can also help your general understanding about men and women.

A challenge in relationships is handling differences and disagreements. Often the couple stops talking in a loving manner and begin:

  • hurting
  • blaming
  • complaining
  • accusing
  • demanding
  • resenting
  • doubting

each other.

Communication is very important in a relationship and „arguments can be the most destructive element.“ The „closer we are to someone, the easier it is to bruise or to be bruised.“

John Gray recommends: never argue! „Instead discuss the pros and cons of something. It is possible to be honest, open and even express negative feelings without arguing or fighting.“

What happens when we argue? When we don’t understand that men and women are different it is easy to get into „arguments that hurt not only our partner but also ourselves.“

 „The secret to avoiding arguments is loving and respectful communication. The differences and disagreements don’t hurt as much as the ways in which we communicate them. Ideally an argument does not have to be hurtful; instead it can simply be an engaging conversation that expresses our differences and disagreements (…). But practically speaking most couples start out arguing about one thing and, within five minutes, are arguing about the way they are arguing.

Unknowingly they begin hurting each other, what could have been an innocent argument, easily resolved with mutual understanding and an acceptance of differences, escalates into a battle. They refuse to accept or understand the content of their partner’s point of view because of the way they are being approached.

Resolving an argument requires extending or stretching our point of view to include and integrate another point of view. To make this stretch we need to feel appreciated and respected. If our partner’s attitude is unloving, our self-esteem can actually be wounded by taking on their point of view.”

??? What is your experience with this topic???

(Kindle e-book: Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, John Gray, Loc 2644-2673)

Change

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Did you go through a change in the last months or the last year? What kind of change was it? How did you feel?

I had a few changes in the last months. Usually I find that change is good and gives me new opportunities. But at the same time it is also sometimes a bit scary, because of the unknown – but overall it is exciting and opens new doors and new possibilities.

Here is a quote I read a few days ago which I found very helpful and accurate:

Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful, it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful, it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident, it is inspiring because the challenge now exists to make things better.“

– King Whitney Jr.-

??? Which “type” are you? The fearful, the hopeful or the confident???

How to improve understanding between individuals?

In my teacher studies I came across the „Johari Window“ and just a few weeks ago again. I had already forgotten about it and it was very good to read up on it again.

I find it very helpful.

The Johari window is a technique created by Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham in in the United States. It is used to help people better understand their relationship with self and others.

The two key ideas behind this tool is that you can build trust with others by disclosing information about yourself and with the help of feedback from others you can learn about yourself and come to terms with personal issues.

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There are 4 areas:

  • Open Area
  • Blind Area
  • Hidden Area
  • Unknown Area

The open areais things you know about yourself, e.g. behaviour, knowledge, skills, attitudes.

The blind areais things you are not aware of, but that are known by others. This can be simple information that you don’t know or it can involve deep issues (e.g. feeling of inadequacy, incompetence, unworthiness, rejection). These things are often difficult for individuals to face directly and yet can be seen by others.

The hidden area is things you know about yourself but others don’t know.

The unknown area is unknown by you and others.

So what do we do with this knowledge?

The end goal is to enlarge the open area, without disclosing information that is too personal. The more your people know about each other, the more productive, cooperative and effective they will be when working together.

The process of enlarging the open area is called „self-disclosure“, and it’s a give and take process that takes place between yourself and the people you are interacting with.

As you share information, your open area expands (vertically) and your hidden area gets smaller.

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As people provide feedback to you about what they know or see about you, your open area expands horizontally and your blind area gets smaller.

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The „Johari Window“ helps to look to your own character and it illustrates the importance of sharing, being open and accepting feedback from others.

 

Inner power

Three weeks ago I moved basically to the other end of the world. While packing some personal things, I found a little notebook with some notes I made a few years ago. I wrote down some points which I read in a book* and I came to the conclusion to keep this notebook. Because the author points out some interesting things I think it’s worth sharing here on the blog.

Why are some people stronger than others?

Inner power, inner strength makes all the difference in those who are secure. Secure in their social interactions with others – secure within themselves.“

Jane Lind says that power means being filled up and a lack of power is emtiness and having no strength.

Inner power comes from feeling loved. Those who have been filled with the power of love are powerful and have little need to struggle for power.Without inner power, there can be no inner peace.

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The more powerless we feel, the more we will struggle. And the more we struggle, the less we will have peace within. Whether the problem is a struggle within ourselves (e.g. problem with weight) or whether the problem is an exchange with another person.“

The author tells a story about a guy: „One would never know from looking at him on the outside that anything was wrong. I don’t understand why I have always felt something was missing. Although Tom’s parents had given him everything he could want in material, they had not given him the inner power that only comes from being loved. Tom went along trying to earn, trying to earn love, trying to be filled up.

On the other hand Jane Lind describes a girl/ woman who experienced following:

Maria grew up in a poor section. She had to resist drugs and crime and worked long hours after school. She had never known her father. Maria was born to a teenage mother. But Maria had inner peace. Maria was happy, cheerful, warm and loving. Maria was given consistent love and acceptance by her mother. Maria was powerful.

We start our life as empty vessels. We need to be charged like a battery. We can be charged with positive power or negative power or a mixture of both.

If we are not filled with positive power as a child or do not find, later in life, a person who loves us enough to fill us with the inner power of love and/ or do not experience the love of God through Christ, then we may feel empty or we may fill ourselves with negative power.

Love is positive power. Without love, we feel powerless, empty of power.

We need God’s love, but we also need love from others. We each, individuallyneed to receive love from at least one other human being.

Unless this love is received, it will not help. Love may be there, being offered, but often, because someone doesn’t feel worthy and/ or cannot believe that anyone would love him or her, and therefore is not open to accepting this love, it will not be received. There are those with personality problems, emotional and mental illness, who put up barriers to receiving love, even that which comes from God. There are those who have built up a defence and let not anyone love them.

Whether we are powerful or not, award titles and money do not make a lasting impression in terms of inner peace and strength. After attaining these, we very often still feel power empty.

Someone, not something, must give us love. Objects and positions alone are not enough to make us powerful.“

My notes end here and I forgot, if I put the book in my boxes I sent to my new home, or if I left the book behind.

When I think of the many people I met all over the world, I think it’s true what Jane Lind is saying in her book.

???Think about people you know or think about your own life. What did you experience? Do you think that the thoughts are valid?

* Book: Powerdigm, Jane Lind (1998)

Disability

 

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As you probably discovered: I love quotes! Good quotes…

So today I read one, which I think is very true. I would like to hear your opinion about this quote from Fred Rogers:

“The problem with the word “disability” is that it immediately suggests an inability to see or hear or walk.

But what of people who can’t feel? Or talk about their feelings? Or manage their feelings in

constructive ways?

What of people who aren’t able to form close and strong relationships? And people who live in

disappointment and bitterness and find in life no joy, no love?

These, it seems to me, are the real disabilities.”

 

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