Posts tagged communication

Emotional ability

life coaching, colouryourdream, life, coaching, feelings, purpose, goal

Do you sometimtes honestly express to others how you feel? How do they react? Are they understanding or do they say: „Oh, it’s not that bad’, „Oh, I experienced much harder things“, „Oh, don’t be like this“, „Oh, why do you cry“?

Lean into your own discomfort and take a moment to acknowledge, not stifle or change other people’s feelings. You don’t have to agree with the way people are feeling, but you do have to recognize those feelings as legitimate and respect them. If you’re known for being terrible with relationships, then this may be a great place to start getting better.“

(Quote: Emotional Intelligence 2.0, Strategy #59)

I exprienced both type of people – but fortunately more the understanding ones, those who understand or really try to understand how a person is feeling. I think this has to do with being able to empathize, with emotional intelligence, how you grew up – what kind of role models you had – were they understanding or not? Did they share their feelings or just „swallowed“ everything?

I think some people can’t really „feel“ (empathize) with you, because they don’t want to be challenged in their „own world“. They don’t want to deal with feelings, just with facts. I think that people who don’t reflect on how they feel, they store up all kinds of feelings inside and one day it will all come up to the surface, e.g. in form of anger, or nasty words, blame.

If your emotional abilities aren’t in hand, if you don’t have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can’t have empathy and effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far.“ (Daniel Goleman)

??? I would love to hear from you what you think about this post? What experiences do you have with this???

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To understand each other (Part 3)

life coaching, colouryourdream, life, purpose, marriage

Paul Tournier points out that many couples who are married for a few years no longer „really talk to each other.“ And he means REAL talk, not only secondary matters, but „matters that are really essential, intimate, personal. After a few years the „thirst for discovery and for understanding has been dried. The problem is when the wife stops to express herself. And „the less she expresses herself, the less she will be understood; the less she feels understood, the more she will withdraw into herself.“

He says, if you think that you „know your wife or your husband, it is because you have given up the real attempt to discover him.“

What is important is: 1. The will to understand and 2. expressing oneself.

We express ourselves of course not only in marriage, but „it is toward his wife that his need to express himself is the greatest.“ It is easy to avoid talking and find „duties in order to escape face-to-face relationships. The fact is that many married people flee from it; they are afraid of opening up in depth. They do not take the time which is necessary for it. Even when on vacation they run about seeking every kind of distraction, invite home very charming friends, friends who enable them to avoid calm and peaceful talk together. A great deal of time must be taken in order to build a true marriage (…). A deep encounter rarely takes place in a few moments. It must be prepared for by hours careful drawing together.“

Tournier points out that a „complete unveiling of one’s inner thoughts, an absolute necessity for real and deep understanding, demands a great deal of courage.“

Some people have fear of real conversation. Tournier thinks that there might be two reasons: the fear of being judged, the fear of criticism and second the fear of receiving advice.

He says that we fear critical judgement most from the people we love most and that „few people really accept the fact that their marital partner behaves in a profoundly different way from themselves.“

The „I cannot understand“ really means „I cannot understand that my husband is different from me, that he thinks, feels, and acts in a quite different manner than I.““

And then „the husband feels judged, condemned, criticized. All of us fear this, for no one is satisfied with himself. We are especially sensitive to blame for shortcomings which we ourselves find stupid, and which we have never been able to correct in spite of our sincerest efforts. „

How do we really understand? In order to understand, „we need to listen, not to reply. We need to listen long and attentively. In order to help anybody to open his heart, we have to give him time, asking only a few questions, as carefully as possible, in order to help him better explain his experience. Above all we must not give the impression that we know better than he does what he must do. Otherwise we force him to withdraw. Too much criticism will also achieve the same result, so fragile are his inner sensitivities.“

Some husbands say, that they don’t want to burden their wife with worry and they keep their problems to themselves. These men maybe sincere in thinking this, „but they are deluding themselves. There are always deeper reasons for such inner blockage of confidences. In any case it is a sign that the marital sharing has failed. A woman can bear any anxiety when she feels supported by her husband (…).“

Paul Tournier goes on and writes that the worst worry for a woman is „perhaps that of feeling that her husband is weighed down with problems which he does not share with her.“

There are many people who are misunderstood, but it’s also because they are partly responsible for it. But, if „they are not understood, it is because they have not opened up.“

Tournier writes, that many people who come to his office say to him that with him they can open up, because he understands them. But he says, that the „truth is rather the reverse; I understand them because they open up. Sometimes I understand them much better than their partners, because they tell me everything they hold back from them.“

He says, when „we have a client too long in therapy, the time comes when our opinion of him dries up, unknown to us, his readiness to share confidences. He will no longer tell us anything but what he believes we can understand. Once again the fear of being misunderstood has made its appearance in him.“

 

??? A question for couples which are married for a long time: what is your experience? Can you relate to what is written in the post???

 

Book: „To understand each other. Classic wisdom on marriage“, Paul Tournier

 

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Understanding each other

life coaching, colouryourdream, pupose, goal, dream

Did you ever experienced that you said something and the other person thought she/he understood what you were saying – I mean REALLY understood what you meant?

I think communication and really understanding what the other person is saying, is not that easy. It can be the communication in a relationship, with a friend, with parents, with kids, with colleagues. It’s always good to ask the other person: Is it this what you meant? Did I understand you right? What do you mean by this…?

I read a good quote what is worth thinking of:

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”

-Robert McCloskey-

???How do you communicate? Do people understand what you say? What do you do to make sure that you understood the other person???

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Handling differences and disagreements

A long time ago I heard from a book: Men are from Mars, women are from Venus (John Gray).

I never read this book, even if it was very popular at this time. But the last 6 years I lived in a house with 3 other people and one of them had this book, so I started to read it and was very surprised . It describes men and women in general – and in many described examples I could find myself.

I haven’t finished reading the book yet, but once in a while I read a few pages.

life coaching colouryourdream purpose goal dream relationship communication

A few weeks ago I read a bit further where I left off the other day. It was chapter 9: How to avoid arguments.

I don’t know if you ever have arguments in your relationship? If not, you don’t need to read it, if yes it could help you =) – to understand yourself better and also your partner. Reading it can also help your general understanding about men and women.

A challenge in relationships is handling differences and disagreements. Often the couple stops talking in a loving manner and begin:

  • hurting
  • blaming
  • complaining
  • accusing
  • demanding
  • resenting
  • doubting

each other.

Communication is very important in a relationship and „arguments can be the most destructive element.“ The „closer we are to someone, the easier it is to bruise or to be bruised.“

John Gray recommends: never argue! „Instead discuss the pros and cons of something. It is possible to be honest, open and even express negative feelings without arguing or fighting.“

What happens when we argue? When we don’t understand that men and women are different it is easy to get into „arguments that hurt not only our partner but also ourselves.“

 „The secret to avoiding arguments is loving and respectful communication. The differences and disagreements don’t hurt as much as the ways in which we communicate them. Ideally an argument does not have to be hurtful; instead it can simply be an engaging conversation that expresses our differences and disagreements (…). But practically speaking most couples start out arguing about one thing and, within five minutes, are arguing about the way they are arguing.

Unknowingly they begin hurting each other, what could have been an innocent argument, easily resolved with mutual understanding and an acceptance of differences, escalates into a battle. They refuse to accept or understand the content of their partner’s point of view because of the way they are being approached.

Resolving an argument requires extending or stretching our point of view to include and integrate another point of view. To make this stretch we need to feel appreciated and respected. If our partner’s attitude is unloving, our self-esteem can actually be wounded by taking on their point of view.”

??? What is your experience with this topic???

(Kindle e-book: Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, John Gray, Loc 2644-2673)

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