Posts tagged love

To understand each other (Part 5)

life coaching, colouryourdream, life, purpose, marriage

Paul Tournier writes in his book that in order to achieve understanding we need to accept our natural differences.

He says that „instinctively, a very rational man is going to marry a very sentimental woman. Their complementing one another will, at the beginning, elicit an enthusiastic reaction in him. But later on he will want to make her listen to the objective arguments of reason; he will become annoyed at not being successful in this. He will try to show her that she is not logical in her sentimental explosions.“

??? When you look at couples around you – do you see this???

Now he explains what the woman will do. He says that she will „reproach her husband for his ice-cold rational manner which stifles all life.“

Nevertheless: even if people are so different by nature, they are „made to complement each other, that through each other they may discover so much of what they’ve not known or sensed before. This is one purpose of marriage.“ (Page 37)

Tournier says that man and woman are „basically different“ and this is the reason, why they have „such great difficulty in understanding one another and such great need of one another for their growth.“ He mentiones that a man has a „theoretical mind while a woman has a more person-centered mind“ and that a woman „thinks of people, and in terms of people.“ (Page 38) When men gather together they „expound magnificent theories on the way the world should be governed and how universal peace (…) can be achieved. These theories are quite abstract, detached, and unrelated to the immediate situation.“(P.38)

So a man can learn from a woman and he can „aquire a feeling for persons. Civilisation built by men alone would remain abstract, cold, technical, and dehumanized. A woman thinks in detail, also. Details interest her more than general ideas. She has a need to tell all the day’s happenings, once she is with her husband.“ (P.39).

The man „needs to learn from his wife the importance of both concrete and personal details, without which general idas are no more than empty theories.“ (P.40)

Tournier points out the speech itself „has a different meaning for men than it has for women. Through speech men express ideas and communicate information. Women speack in order to express feelings, emotions. This explains why a wife will relate then times an experience she has lived. It is not to inform her husband.“ (P.40)

She „needs to tell it again in order to discharge emotional tension which the experience has built up in her heart. Many men never ebven get to express their feelings, to say the „I love you“ that the wife would like to hear a hundred times. She asks, „Do you love me?“ He replies, „You know that I do.“ It is not that she does not know. Rather, she would like to hear it expressed ever once more. This is the greater since her husband never says it to her. He expresses his feelings in other ways: a caress, a look, or even a rough kind of grunt.“ (P.40).

Tournier tells a story of a woman „who was suffering from just such a lack of ever hearing a tender word from the lips of her husband. One day she came to see me quite upset. Her husband, without even having warned her, had had the workmen come to refinish her living-room floor. The whole house was upset and dirty. This woman was irritated. I said to her, „Each person speaks in his own way! This is how your husband tells you that he loves you. Throw your arms around him if you can understand his language. Tell him how he must love you in order to go to such expenses to give you a more beautiful living room.“

This expample reminds me actually of what my husband did for me. He painted the kitchen, table, shelves…. : everything white (in lots and lots and lots of hours), because I love white furniture! He also planted once tulips for me, because I LOVE tulips. He planted 100 (!!!) tulips for me! Wow – he really must love me =) This is really amazing! THANKS!

life coaching, life, coaching, colouryourdream, purpose, marriage

Further Paul Tournier writes in his book, that in order to „understand each other, man and wife must take an interest in what interests the other, and come to understand why it interestes the other. A man will talk of his interest only when he senses genuine interest in another, and it is only when he talks of it that the other can understand better the character of that interest. In this way the horizon broadens for both partners, instead of steadily narrowing. Real understanding always brings with it a going beyond one’s self. Then can teh home serve as a foundation to one’s calling, and the calling can enrich in its turn the spiritual life of the home. The conflict from wich many couples suffer can be solved. Yet, the profound differences which separate men and women are found in the very thing which brings them together: love itself.“ (P.42&43)

Book: „To understand each other. Classic wisdom on marriage“, Paul Tournier

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Passion

life coaching, colouryourdream, coaching, passion, dream, worldcup, Germany,photography

“Working hard for something

we don’t care about is called

stress;

working hard for something

we love

is called

passion.”

-Simon Sinek-

 

??? What is your passion? What do you love doing? What motivates you? What stresses you out?

       For what do you work hard???

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Handling differences and disagreements

A long time ago I heard from a book: Men are from Mars, women are from Venus (John Gray).

I never read this book, even if it was very popular at this time. But the last 6 years I lived in a house with 3 other people and one of them had this book, so I started to read it and was very surprised . It describes men and women in general – and in many described examples I could find myself.

I haven’t finished reading the book yet, but once in a while I read a few pages.

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A few weeks ago I read a bit further where I left off the other day. It was chapter 9: How to avoid arguments.

I don’t know if you ever have arguments in your relationship? If not, you don’t need to read it, if yes it could help you =) – to understand yourself better and also your partner. Reading it can also help your general understanding about men and women.

A challenge in relationships is handling differences and disagreements. Often the couple stops talking in a loving manner and begin:

  • hurting
  • blaming
  • complaining
  • accusing
  • demanding
  • resenting
  • doubting

each other.

Communication is very important in a relationship and „arguments can be the most destructive element.“ The „closer we are to someone, the easier it is to bruise or to be bruised.“

John Gray recommends: never argue! „Instead discuss the pros and cons of something. It is possible to be honest, open and even express negative feelings without arguing or fighting.“

What happens when we argue? When we don’t understand that men and women are different it is easy to get into „arguments that hurt not only our partner but also ourselves.“

 „The secret to avoiding arguments is loving and respectful communication. The differences and disagreements don’t hurt as much as the ways in which we communicate them. Ideally an argument does not have to be hurtful; instead it can simply be an engaging conversation that expresses our differences and disagreements (…). But practically speaking most couples start out arguing about one thing and, within five minutes, are arguing about the way they are arguing.

Unknowingly they begin hurting each other, what could have been an innocent argument, easily resolved with mutual understanding and an acceptance of differences, escalates into a battle. They refuse to accept or understand the content of their partner’s point of view because of the way they are being approached.

Resolving an argument requires extending or stretching our point of view to include and integrate another point of view. To make this stretch we need to feel appreciated and respected. If our partner’s attitude is unloving, our self-esteem can actually be wounded by taking on their point of view.”

??? What is your experience with this topic???

(Kindle e-book: Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, John Gray, Loc 2644-2673)

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Inner power

Three weeks ago I moved basically to the other end of the world. While packing some personal things, I found a little notebook with some notes I made a few years ago. I wrote down some points which I read in a book* and I came to the conclusion to keep this notebook. Because the author points out some interesting things I think it’s worth sharing here on the blog.

Why are some people stronger than others?

Inner power, inner strength makes all the difference in those who are secure. Secure in their social interactions with others – secure within themselves.“

Jane Lind says that power means being filled up and a lack of power is emtiness and having no strength.

Inner power comes from feeling loved. Those who have been filled with the power of love are powerful and have little need to struggle for power.Without inner power, there can be no inner peace.

life coaching purpose life goal inner strength                                                                                                                                              (c) colouryourdream

The more powerless we feel, the more we will struggle. And the more we struggle, the less we will have peace within. Whether the problem is a struggle within ourselves (e.g. problem with weight) or whether the problem is an exchange with another person.“

The author tells a story about a guy: „One would never know from looking at him on the outside that anything was wrong. I don’t understand why I have always felt something was missing. Although Tom’s parents had given him everything he could want in material, they had not given him the inner power that only comes from being loved. Tom went along trying to earn, trying to earn love, trying to be filled up.

On the other hand Jane Lind describes a girl/ woman who experienced following:

Maria grew up in a poor section. She had to resist drugs and crime and worked long hours after school. She had never known her father. Maria was born to a teenage mother. But Maria had inner peace. Maria was happy, cheerful, warm and loving. Maria was given consistent love and acceptance by her mother. Maria was powerful.

We start our life as empty vessels. We need to be charged like a battery. We can be charged with positive power or negative power or a mixture of both.

If we are not filled with positive power as a child or do not find, later in life, a person who loves us enough to fill us with the inner power of love and/ or do not experience the love of God through Christ, then we may feel empty or we may fill ourselves with negative power.

Love is positive power. Without love, we feel powerless, empty of power.

We need God’s love, but we also need love from others. We each, individuallyneed to receive love from at least one other human being.

Unless this love is received, it will not help. Love may be there, being offered, but often, because someone doesn’t feel worthy and/ or cannot believe that anyone would love him or her, and therefore is not open to accepting this love, it will not be received. There are those with personality problems, emotional and mental illness, who put up barriers to receiving love, even that which comes from God. There are those who have built up a defence and let not anyone love them.

Whether we are powerful or not, award titles and money do not make a lasting impression in terms of inner peace and strength. After attaining these, we very often still feel power empty.

Someone, not something, must give us love. Objects and positions alone are not enough to make us powerful.“

My notes end here and I forgot, if I put the book in my boxes I sent to my new home, or if I left the book behind.

When I think of the many people I met all over the world, I think it’s true what Jane Lind is saying in her book.

???Think about people you know or think about your own life. What did you experience? Do you think that the thoughts are valid?

* Book: Powerdigm, Jane Lind (1998)

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One life to live

Last week I finished reading an e-book about people at the end of their lives: what they wanted to say before they die and what was important for them – also some things what they maybe never expressed to other people before.

Honestly – it was one of the most depressing book I have ever read. Almost all people in the book, who wrote their last words down didn’t believe in God and they did not believe that there will be a life after death.They thought, when they die, that’s it!

The book was „easy“ to read, but because it was so sad what I read, I could only read a few pages each day. It made me so sad!

Some people said, what they regret and what they would have done differently and some people where ok with the lives they lived and didn’t expect anything after death.

I think a lot about my life and about the purpose of life. When I was about 28 years, I wrote down in some sentences, what I would like that people say about me when I am not here on earth anymore. Or better: what would I like that people say about me on my 60th birthday.

When you write down these sentences it really shows: what is the most important for you here on earth? What do you want to be known for? What is your purpose in life?

A few years ago I read this sentence, what I wrote down when I was 28, every day – I did this for a few years. I want to start it again in 2014: because it puts right in front of your eyes: what is important for me today? What is the bigger picture here? What is important in my life? Then I don’t get caught up so much in the daily „sorrows“ and „problems“ or superficial things, but have the bigger picture in mind.

Yesterday I went to a contemporary gospel concert in Vienna and they where singing

songs that reminded me so much of my childhood and teenage years and the songs really touched my heart.

They where singing for example one song that I always loved so much: it is from Andrae Crouch: My tribute (To God be the glory).

This is also my desire: to honor God in all I do! To God be the glory!

 

The song expresses what I feel and what my desire is:

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NiB4SEgOkow

This song brings tears to my eyes, because I think of what Jesus Christ did for me on the cross and that he died for me in order that I might live!

I am very thankful that my parents lived a life that showed me for who it is worth living for: God – the Lord of my life!

I have one life to live and I think constantly: how can I live my life best for the glory of God! What is my calling?

What is your desire for your life? Do you know what your calling is?

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Blessed new year 2013!

Colouryourdream Purpose Dream Goal

Tomorrow is the last day of the year 2012 (or today – depending when you read this post or depending where you live =)

I can’t believe that this year is almost over again – it went by so fast.
It was a blessed year with lots of joy but also sadness.

When we went to the funeral of my auntie this week, I thought: I don’t know what people do who have no hope, who don’t know what comes after death?
In general funerals are very sad, because a person who we loved or know is not here on earth with us anymore.
But if you believe that there is life after death – a better life – it’s not that sad anymore. If a person loved God and commited his/her life to him on earth God promises a beautiful life with him when we die – our life finished on earth, but it will go on forever at a beautiful place :

Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?” (Bible, John 11,25)

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.” (John 3,16+17)

“There will be “no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” (Revelations 21,4)

I really love these bible verses – because it gives me so much hope and peace.
I also know that my aunt believed this and that she commited her life to the one who is the way, the truth and the life! (written in John 14,6).

The day she died there was a bible verse written in a book which many christians around the world read on a daily basis (with verses from the bible) – it’s called: “Losungen” in German (it’s a devotional guide for every day).
On the day she died there was this following verse written: from Isaiah 60,19+20

“The sun will no more be your light by day,
nor will the brightness of the moon shine on you,
for the Lord will be your everlasting light,
and your God will be your glory.
Your sun will never set again,
and your moon will wane no more;
the Lord will be your everlasting light,
and your days of sorrow will end.”

What a beautiful verse!

I wish you God’s blessing for the new year 2013!

I don’t know how you feel about the next coming year: maybe you are happy, maybe you have sorrows, maybe you are sad, maybe you are desperate, maybe you are fearful, maybe you are hopeful?

My prayer is that you find/ experience the most important: peace with God.

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The most important birthday ever

colouryourdream - heart for a special person

Dear blog readers,

thanks a lot for reading my blog and for your encouraging comments!

Wishing you a blessed Christmas!

For me it is very special time of the year – cause the person who I love most has birthday: Jesus Christ!

He is the one who gives my life meaning and fulfillment.

Today many thoughts were crossing my mind:

God is the one who knows the beginning and the end of your life – no one else. And he has everything in his hand. He knows what’s best for us and for others – even if we don’t understand everything.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55,8+9).

Yesterday I had my last working day (or let’s say night – cause I worked during the night) in the year 2012.

And I planned to fly for the day to see someone close to me in the hospital.
But Gods thoughts are higher than our ways.

Today I got the sad news that she went already to the place where there will be “no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” (Revelations 21,4). For me sad news but for her its the best place to be – and in this way I am also happy!

But we are still living here on this earth and there is a lot of pain and tears involved.

It’s good to know that God “will wipe every tear from their eyes…..”- one day.

Today I listened to a podcast where it was mentioned that every person has 4 questions:

– origin: where do I come from?
– meaning: what gives my life meaning?
– morality: how do I differentiate between good and evil
destiny: what happens to a human being when he/she dies?

Many religions have different answers, but there is one unique answer which I believe in: it’s the uniqueness of Christ’s forgiveness.

In John Chapter 3 its says how the love of Christ is expressed: it’s unconditional love, it’s relational and eternal.

This one person who’s birthday we celebrate in a few days is the redeemer of the world. He came to pay the prize so that you and I can live! How amazing!

There exists many stories of people who lived a life of pleasure, but when they faced the last hours in their life they suddenly realized: their life was so empty, it had no meaning at all.

I was very sad today and I cried a lot because of the loss and also because I couln’t be there on time. But what made me confident was: I know that she just didn’t “know” abstractly that Jesus Christ exists, but that she “knew” Christ in a personal way.

She was convinced that: “neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”(Romans 8,38)

I know that not everybody who reads this post will agree on it. But it was on my heart to write it and because I believe that Jesus Christ is the true way to life and I wanted to share it with you. It’s a free choice what we believe in.

Would love to hear “your story” – your experiences, your hopes, your fears, your dreams, your questions, your belief…..

I wish you a blessed Christmas and hopefully I will see you next year: 2013!

God’s blessing…..

… in English: for my english speaking friends:

The Lord bless you, and keep you:
The Lord make his face shine upon you, and be gracious unto you:
The Lord lift up his countenance upon you, and give you peace.

… in German (Deutsch= my mother tongue):

Der Herr segne dich und behüte dich.
Der Herr lasse sein Angesicht leuchten über dir und sei dir gnädig.
Der Herr erhebe sein Angesicht auf dich und schenke dir Frieden.
…in French:

Que le Seigneur te bénisse et te garde.
Que le Seigneur fasse rayonner sur toi son regard et t’accorde sa grâce.
Que le Seigneur porte sur toi son regard et te donne la paix.

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