Posts tagged life coaching

Emotional ability

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Do you sometimtes honestly express to others how you feel? How do they react? Are they understanding or do they say: „Oh, it’s not that bad’, „Oh, I experienced much harder things“, „Oh, don’t be like this“, „Oh, why do you cry“?

Lean into your own discomfort and take a moment to acknowledge, not stifle or change other people’s feelings. You don’t have to agree with the way people are feeling, but you do have to recognize those feelings as legitimate and respect them. If you’re known for being terrible with relationships, then this may be a great place to start getting better.“

(Quote: Emotional Intelligence 2.0, Strategy #59)

I exprienced both type of people – but fortunately more the understanding ones, those who understand or really try to understand how a person is feeling. I think this has to do with being able to empathize, with emotional intelligence, how you grew up – what kind of role models you had – were they understanding or not? Did they share their feelings or just „swallowed“ everything?

I think some people can’t really „feel“ (empathize) with you, because they don’t want to be challenged in their „own world“. They don’t want to deal with feelings, just with facts. I think that people who don’t reflect on how they feel, they store up all kinds of feelings inside and one day it will all come up to the surface, e.g. in form of anger, or nasty words, blame.

If your emotional abilities aren’t in hand, if you don’t have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can’t have empathy and effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far.“ (Daniel Goleman)

??? I would love to hear from you what you think about this post? What experiences do you have with this???

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Train your EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient)

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Do you sometimes or often or always avoid difficult people or situations? Why?

What could you do different next time in order to grow in Emotional Intelligence?

Here is one tip:

Do not avoid difficult people or inevitably tough situations. Make the choice to use your EQ (=Emotional Intelligence Quotient) skills to move forward by watching your emotions and making decisions about how to manage them. Observe the other person too, share your preferences, and move forward with reasonable expectations.“

??? Who is a difficult person for you or what situations are difficult for you? What feelings do you have when coming across difficult people or situations? What helps you to not avoid these people or situations???

(Quote: Emotional Intelligence 2.0, Strategy #58)

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Our emotions

 

 

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When we negate, deny, or disown our emotions we might find ourselves blowing up or ‘going off’ on others with little or no provocation. We can only repress our feelings for so long. Eventually, they will demand to be heard. When we pay attention to our emotions and not judge them as irrational and therefore unacceptable, we can begin to receive the gift of insight that our feelings offer.“

??? Do you have any expriences with this – with yourself or others???

(Quote from: Jeanine Austin)

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Are you interested in others?

 

 

life coaching, coaching, life, colouryourdream, understanding, purpose,goal

Do you know people well? Are you open with your friends, aquaintances and family?

Do you understand them? Do you know why they do the things they do? Are you interested in them? How do you show that you are interested in them? How do you find out if you understand them?

I think many people don’t take the time to really understand a person. Instead they make up their mind why a person is the way she/ he is or why a person reacts a certain way. Many people are only interested in themselves and can’t bother to get to know other people very well.

I love it, when people ask me questions, because it shows that they are interested in me, want to know something about me or want to know my opinion about a topic. I also love to ask questions and find out more about people – I find it fascinating to get to know people on a deeper level. A great way is to ask questions.

When people know you well, there’s less room for them to misinterpret you. Make the time to be more open with friends, coworkers, or family about why you do the things you do. Also the more you show interest in them, the better shot you have at understanding them well, too. Be curious about who they are and why they do the things they do.“

It is good to ask questions – not only to people we don’t know (well), but also to people we know very well (or we think we know well). You will be surprised what you find out about a person when you ask them different questions. Sometimes we think that we know a person very well, but when we start asking questions we realize that we don’t.

??? What questions do you like asking??? What do you like about asking questions? Why don’t you ask questions? What holds you back from asking questions? What do you like about when others ask you questions???

(Quote: Book: Emotional Intelligence 2.0, Strategy # 50)

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Your unique gift

 

Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.“

– Albert Einstein –

 

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How often do you compare yourself to someone else? How often do you say to yourself: “She/ he is so good in this. I wish I could do this too.“

Instead of thinking: „I can’t climb the tree“, you can shift your way of thinking and focus on your great ability to swim with no effort. Because someone who can climb the tree can’t swim like you without effort.

Do you compare yourself with others? What does this do with you?

Do you focus on your gifts, instead of looking envious to the person with other gifts? Do you wish you had other gifts?

What would happen, if you focused on on your gifts and used them?

You are a unique person and you have have gifts, nobody else has in this special combination like you have!

I am looking forward to hearing from you a responses to the following questions:

??? What are you good at? What energizes you? What do you love doing? When do you loose track of time (when doing what)???

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To understand each other (Part 5)

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Paul Tournier writes in his book that in order to achieve understanding we need to accept our natural differences.

He says that „instinctively, a very rational man is going to marry a very sentimental woman. Their complementing one another will, at the beginning, elicit an enthusiastic reaction in him. But later on he will want to make her listen to the objective arguments of reason; he will become annoyed at not being successful in this. He will try to show her that she is not logical in her sentimental explosions.“

??? When you look at couples around you – do you see this???

Now he explains what the woman will do. He says that she will „reproach her husband for his ice-cold rational manner which stifles all life.“

Nevertheless: even if people are so different by nature, they are „made to complement each other, that through each other they may discover so much of what they’ve not known or sensed before. This is one purpose of marriage.“ (Page 37)

Tournier says that man and woman are „basically different“ and this is the reason, why they have „such great difficulty in understanding one another and such great need of one another for their growth.“ He mentiones that a man has a „theoretical mind while a woman has a more person-centered mind“ and that a woman „thinks of people, and in terms of people.“ (Page 38) When men gather together they „expound magnificent theories on the way the world should be governed and how universal peace (…) can be achieved. These theories are quite abstract, detached, and unrelated to the immediate situation.“(P.38)

So a man can learn from a woman and he can „aquire a feeling for persons. Civilisation built by men alone would remain abstract, cold, technical, and dehumanized. A woman thinks in detail, also. Details interest her more than general ideas. She has a need to tell all the day’s happenings, once she is with her husband.“ (P.39).

The man „needs to learn from his wife the importance of both concrete and personal details, without which general idas are no more than empty theories.“ (P.40)

Tournier points out the speech itself „has a different meaning for men than it has for women. Through speech men express ideas and communicate information. Women speack in order to express feelings, emotions. This explains why a wife will relate then times an experience she has lived. It is not to inform her husband.“ (P.40)

She „needs to tell it again in order to discharge emotional tension which the experience has built up in her heart. Many men never ebven get to express their feelings, to say the „I love you“ that the wife would like to hear a hundred times. She asks, „Do you love me?“ He replies, „You know that I do.“ It is not that she does not know. Rather, she would like to hear it expressed ever once more. This is the greater since her husband never says it to her. He expresses his feelings in other ways: a caress, a look, or even a rough kind of grunt.“ (P.40).

Tournier tells a story of a woman „who was suffering from just such a lack of ever hearing a tender word from the lips of her husband. One day she came to see me quite upset. Her husband, without even having warned her, had had the workmen come to refinish her living-room floor. The whole house was upset and dirty. This woman was irritated. I said to her, „Each person speaks in his own way! This is how your husband tells you that he loves you. Throw your arms around him if you can understand his language. Tell him how he must love you in order to go to such expenses to give you a more beautiful living room.“

This expample reminds me actually of what my husband did for me. He painted the kitchen, table, shelves…. : everything white (in lots and lots and lots of hours), because I love white furniture! He also planted once tulips for me, because I LOVE tulips. He planted 100 (!!!) tulips for me! Wow – he really must love me =) This is really amazing! THANKS!

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Further Paul Tournier writes in his book, that in order to „understand each other, man and wife must take an interest in what interests the other, and come to understand why it interestes the other. A man will talk of his interest only when he senses genuine interest in another, and it is only when he talks of it that the other can understand better the character of that interest. In this way the horizon broadens for both partners, instead of steadily narrowing. Real understanding always brings with it a going beyond one’s self. Then can teh home serve as a foundation to one’s calling, and the calling can enrich in its turn the spiritual life of the home. The conflict from wich many couples suffer can be solved. Yet, the profound differences which separate men and women are found in the very thing which brings them together: love itself.“ (P.42&43)

Book: „To understand each other. Classic wisdom on marriage“, Paul Tournier

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Emotional intelligence – how do you talk to others?

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For some people this comes more easy than for others, but we all can learn how to be better in this regard:

To be socially aware, you must be socially present and remove distractions- especially the ones inside your head. To clear away the clutter, don’t interrupt the other person, squelch the voice that is planning your response, and refocus your attention on the other person’s face and words.“

When you talk to others do you sometimes think what you will say or answer next? Watch yourself when you talk the next time to somebody, if you really listen to the person and if you really focus on their words. Are you also able to just pause after the person has said something or do you just want to „get rid“ of all your thoughts you have already in mind while the other person is talking?

What is your experience? When is it more easy for you to pause and when not?

( Book: Emotional Intelligence 2.0, Strategy #39)

 

 

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